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We are now officially at war with the neighbours - ideas for a snowy revenge are now needed
Im 18 years old and love to read fanfiction of any discription, usualy m/m. Fanfiction is one of the main reasons I have this journal. I do however post my own writting upon occassion, rare as it may be.


Something I wrote for my coursework
It gets easier. Dealing with them. I know that it’s difficult for them to be around me, so they keep away. It’s not all the time anyway. I can handle that. The worst thing though is other people, people who don’t know what’s going on who just see me on my own. They don’t understand that its not there fault. They have other things to worry about, other things that need more time than me…other things to help them forget.
I guess I sound kind of bitter towards them but I’m not, really, I get it, I don’t need attention all the time, it’s good to be self reliant, I don’t need them… I’m ok. I know it’s not their fault they try; they really do try to remember that I’m there, its just hard for them. I remind them of him, I remind everyone of him.
In some ways it can seem worse for me. I see his face in me every time I look in the mirror, but then I don’t have to look at me all the time, hear and see his voice and actions reflected in mine, but they do. So you see they really can’t help the fact that it they don’t want to be near me. I don’t want to be near me.
I know that he’d be upset at me for saying that but I can’t help it. I’m a constant reminder of him, like a ghost haunting everyone he ever knew. Constantly mocking them with what they’ve lost.
Sometimes it feels like they forget that I’m grieving for
Him to. I know I shouldn’t hold that against them, they have a lot to deal with, and I don’t, I don’t…I shouldn’t.
I wish they would talk to me sometimes just to get him off my mind for a second, I wouldn’t mind if it was only saying hello, just something to make me think of something else. I don’t want to think about him all the time…but then again I don’t want to forget although I know I never will, I can’t.
It’s ok though, that they don’t talk to me, I can talk to him. I know, I know he’s gone and he's not coming back but I still talk to him. That probably makes me crazy right? But for a while it makes things easier, for a while I can pretend that everything's ok, everything's how it used to be when he was here; when they knew that I existed, when it didn't hurt all the time.
I hate them sometimes, I hate me sometimes and I hate him sometimes too. I hate them for leaving me to deal with this on my own, for ignoring me and hoping I'll cope. I hate them for forgetting, that's the worst thing, the trying to forget that he didn't exist either as if it will help them cope. I don't really care about them forgetting me; it's forgetting him that I hate them for. I hate me for being so selfish at times and for wanting attention when i know that I shouldn't, for hating them...for hating him. But most of all I hate him for leaving. For getting into that stupid car, for leaving me here all alone, for leaving me to deal with this.
I wish I could hate all the time, stay mad at them all the time. It would be much easier. It wouldn't hurt so much and everything would be so much easier. I want to hate them but I know I shouldn't, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to. I can't hate them though, no matter what I want.
Everything’s so confusing; I don't know what to feel, what to think. I don’t know how I feel or what I think. All I know is that I don’t feel numb anymore, I feel everything and it’s hard I don’t know how to cope.
He always used to make me feel better when I was down. He was always there for me when I needed him…and now when I need him the most in the world he’s not there, I have to deal with this all on my own. He wouldn’t want me to act like this, I know that, but I can’t help it. I just miss him so much, and it’s hard.
The hardest thing though is to keep going, to continue going on with life when the person who was always there for me is gone, when my best friend is gone, when I can no longer speak to or get comfort from the person I valued most in the world, because he’s gone, when my family no longer will look at me because I’m his twin and he’s gone and nothing can change that. No matter what I do he’s not coming back. It’ll get easier though, the pain may never go away but I’ll be ok, I’ll deal, because I have to, I have to go on living my life, ‘cos that’s what he’d want, and maybe one day I’ll wake up and it won’t hurt so much, time will heal me. So for now I’ll get on with my life, I’ll continue to do what I have to and over time I’ll come to accept it and move on, and maybe they will to. I have to hope at least.
i don't own fake
Fanfiction from prev journal

I dont own fake

Ryo's POV

I haven't had a home since you left, I have an apartment. They say home is where the heart is, mine isn't there anymore. My home has crumbled, along with my world. I lost everything in one fateful night, and for now and ever more I shall be alone.
I replay those last few moments in my head, once again, and lose myself in the torturous memory. Your face...so pale. I remember the loosening grip of your hand on mine and your life slowly leaving your sparkling green eyes, as you finally fell from life.
As I sit here, I see the black box with you inside lowered to the ground, to your final resting place.
My life and soul went with you that day. I am now just the empty shell of a man who has lost his love.
Now as I lie here, I drink to you. I feel you take my hand in a lasting grip which pulls us back together, as I leave the painful world behind.
I am lay, as you were, pale and dormant. My eyes fill with tears, this time not with pain and grief, but instead with happiness as I gaze into your loving eyes. You grab me and hold me close while uttering four simple words that will be with me for all eternity..."I love you, Ryo".
No one knows the true cause of Ryo's death, but there will always be the theory it was because of a broken heart. The small things that explain it are missed. No one takes much notice of the picture in the frame of Dee and Ryo, no one notices the small vile that is behind it. The feld up paper at the back of the frame goes unknown.
It contains only a few words of explanation.
"I'm sorry
Don't worry
I'm happy now"
and finally the last words from Dee's dying lips..."I'll never leave you".
possible story idea

He took one last glance at the room, hesitating for a moment before closing the door behind him, and finally leaving. The room now left still,quiet, lifeless all hope left within it lost. It was over now. There was noting left to do or say, he could only move forward and let go...no matter how much it hurt, what's done is done, there's no going back.    
    It was wet, windy and cold when they met, the weather doing it's best to mirror his mood, to add to his despair, it didn't matter how many times he told himself he was free, it wasn't sinking in. His eyes misted over for 'last time, never again' or so he told himself.



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December 2010


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